Holy Moly

Holy Moly!!

It's been a few months since I've posted. A lot has been happening! ( Sorry for the picture overload). Christmas came and went. Despite how hard it was to spend our holiday without our lil guy, our family really made it special for us. We were blessed with some amazing gifts. Nick got me a silhouette (love love love it!) and I got Nick a remote start for his truck. I got a kitchen aid mixer, and Nick also got a lovely bracelet from his family that says "Madden's daddy".  Before Christmas I was lucky enough to get to go to Salt Lake City for the weekend courtesy of one of my employers Dr. Sutton! We decided to head down and go to the Hogle Zoo to see the Christmas Lights. It was that weekend that SLC got DUMPED on with snow so the snow and the lights were so pretty together and just gave it a Christmas Spirit. We had a ton of fun. 

Madden's grave for Christmas. Yes those are solar lights! They looked so good at night.

After Christmas we packed up and went to the Oregon Coast for a week like usual! It was so fun and

much needed.

Then we came back for 1 day to pack and head on our CRUISE!! For Nick's work about every 10 years they do a dealer meeting at a super fun place like a cruise. This year, Nick's parents couldn't take that much time off so we got to go! We went to the Eastern Caribbean which included Puerto Rico, Virgin Islands, Turks and Caicos, and the Bahamas. 

 

I was having a bit of a hard time over Christmas Break, so I finally broke down and decided it was time to clean out Madden's nursery. I felt like I was just dwelling on the situation and this room was just a constant reminder of what had happened. So we waited until we got back from the cruise and packed it up. I can't even begin to describe the weight that feels like has been lifted off of my shoulders. There is no nagging feeling there anymore. I feel ready to more forward and have a clean slate. I didn't get a before picture (darnit) We decided to leave everything else up because well, lets face it, it's too much work to move all that stuff and well lets just hope there's another baby to fill that room soon enough.

 

And finally, I'm getting a new sister in law/niece/and nephews! My brother FINALLY popped the question to his girlfriend Daniella! We are so excited for them!

Happy Valentines Day!

 

We also started tackling redoing our bathroom. We just completed the tub shower and tile surround, and the sheet rock, and in the next little while will come a new vanity, floor and mirror! I can't wait to show after pictures!

  

Ok I promise I'm done here...for now =) I'll try not to procrastinate so much next time! And good for you if you actually made it though this post!

I'm no Joseph Smith...

While I've been working on projects today I can across teachings from Joseph Smith's dad to him while he recently lost his son. I thought I would share it because I love it. 

“‘Joseph, my son, thou art called to a high and holy calling. Thou art even called to do the work of the Lord. Hold out faithful and you shall be blessed, and your children after you. You shall even live to finish your work.’

“At this Joseph cried out, weeping, ‘Oh, my Father, will I?’ ‘Yes,’ said his father, ‘you shall live to lay out the plan of all the work which God has given you to do. This is my dying blessing on your head in the name of Jesus.’”

Now I know I am no Joseph Smith but I believe this applies to us to. We still have the Lord's work to do. If we are faithful we will be blessed. I know at times it feels like it's the hardest thing to do. But in the eternal perspective it's a small trial in helping us be perfected. I'm thankful for my trials no matter how big or small. 

When you are down to nothing, God is up to something.

I sure hope so! This month I think was the hardest for some reason. If everything was good, I would have a 4 month old. What would he be like? Would he have his daddys eyes? His mommas stubborness? It gives me comfort

to know that one day I WILL get to know him and his personality. This amazing little guy has taught me so much about love, compassion, and faith I never even knew existed. Almost every time a patient will ask me if I have children. I look down, smile, and say yes, I do. I don't really explain myself too much because it probably makes for an uncomfortable situation. People usually don't know how to react when they hear my story. They either avoid the topic all together or let out heartfelt condolences. I don't blame them. Heck I wouldn't know what to say to someone in my situation either!

My Uncle Duane passed away unexpectedly last week. He was my moms brother. He was able to be burried right next to Madden. I'm glad because it'll be a few years before he has some company (Nick and I already bought our plots so we could be by him) I don't understand why all of this is all of a sudden happening to my family but I know we'll get through it.  I found this quote the other day. Normally I wouldn't like this type of quote but I found
it hilarious.

Well. It's true isn't it? 

 

Happy birthday Madden :)

Happenings

A lot has happened in the past month and a half! On October 3rd it was Maddens three month "Angelversary".  We got a planter and decorated his grave with Pumpkins. My mom had found these really cute stuffed animals. One of them is a little bear on his knees and praying. Its adorable.

Me and my friends attended the 50th Anniversary Of Dental Hygiene at ISU. It was over homecoming weekend. So much fun!

 This cute guy was born! Congrats Kambree and Kevin!

 Carving er...Drilling Pumpkins?

 This will be how we carve pumpkins every year. So easier and less messy!

This month has been more difficult than others. I can't quite explain why, but it was harder for me and Nick. Maybe its because I'm so frustrated that my body isn't cooperating and I'm super stressed about EVERYTHING. I'm sure the stressed out thing is attributing my body from going back to normal. I've tried everything to de-stress, working out, soaking in tubs, keeping myself busy. I got pretty desperate one night and youtubed some relaxation videos. I found one and tried it. Pretty much amazing! Ok I admit she's kinda creepy and her voice is WEIRD but I did it and it helped so much! I'll share! Don't judge!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k39GdfmYegk&app=desktop
The Alpha State of Your Mind

Happy Fall Y'all!

Count your blessings..

O hey.

Lately I have been SO grateful for SO many things. I've been counting my  blessings and thanking God every day for the things I have and for the people in my life. It brings me to tears to even think about how much I am blessed even through everything that has happened this summer. Here is a list of things I am grateful of, and I encourage you to try and make a list yourself! It's suprising how many little things just make your day.

1. The gospel. Just all of it. 
2. My savior Jesus Christ and my Father in Heaven. I can't imagine going through what my brother has been through. It really shows just how much he loves us. 
3. My testimony. My testimony has grown so much this summer, and I'm grateful for every Sunday and each opportunity I have to build it even more. 
4. My husband.  I can't imagine my life without him. Nick and I have been through so much, and he's there for me no matter what. Even if I'm waking him up in the middle of the night just for a hug, he doesn't mind :). He works so hard to provide for our family and I am so grateful for that. I can't wait for many more years to come. 
5. My baby Madden. I'm so grateful that Heavenly Father has given me a chance to bear a child. Even if I don't get to have him here on Earth, I'm glad I am able to be his mother.
6. Our family. They have helped us get through so much, and supported every decision we have made. 
7. My friends. I have been blessed with some pretty awesome friends. They all were there for me when I needed them the most. School has definitely brought some pretty amazing people in my life and I'm so glad.   They are such good examples to me and one day I hope I can be as caring and selfless as they are =)
8. My dog/cat. If anyone knows me, these animals are like my children. They crack me up and have such fun personalities. They keep me company at home when Nick's at work. 
9. My job(s). I was blessed I was able to go right back to work to take my mind off things. Dr. Sutton's office let me come and work for them for a while assisting until I found a hygiene position. I am grateful for the opportunity to fill in for a few offices for hygiene and the wonderful staff I get to work with that want to make me feel as comfortable as possible. 
10. My education. I'm grateful I was able to go to college and given the knowledge I have. (Not so grateful for those stinking student loans though haha).
11. My home. I'm grateful that we OWN our home (well kinda own haha)and that I can make it homey and have a place of retreat.
12. My ward. We've been in our ward for 4  years now. I absolutely love the people in it. I am a pretty shy person, and I'm so grateful for those who stepped in to help us this summer. We have such a caring ward.
13. Music. I have a love/hate relationship lately with music. My music selection has drastically changed this summer, and now I quite enjoy listening to the slower calmer music. I get all ball baby at times but I love the connection you can make with lyrics. 
14. Our Honda Ruckus. You ask why am I so grateful for a scooter? Well let me tell you, this little machine makes me feel so free when I ride it. It's nice to hop on it and go for a ride and just think. It's lovely =)
15. Modern Medicine. I'm grateful for the hospitals/nurses/doctors. They have a pretty tough job, and I'm glad we live in a time that we are able to have these things.
16. Tv.  Haha. Yes! I'm thankful for tv. It gives me joy to cuddle up and watch a good tv show or a good movie.
17. Little things. I am grateful for the little things in life. Such as a stranger telling you that you look cute, someone opening the door for you, a smile, happy children, having a good conversation with a patient, and just people in general with positive attitudes and just being nice. I'm glad I'm able to (try) to have a good positive outlook on life.  This has been a challenge for me. There have been so many people I know lately having babies and let me tell you it has been a struggle to even open my facebook page. But as I think about it, (as jealous as I am), I am so grateful that they have had healthy pregnancies and have not had to go through the pain that I have.There are so many more things I am thankful for but I won't bore you any further with endless detailed lists.

I have been super stressed lately. Transitioning from school to the real world and doing a good job has been stressful. I want to become pregnant again so badly and trying to give my body time to heal is painful. I'm so impatient (I'm working on it). I'm just so ready to be a mom, to have that taken away from you so quickly is hard.

                                 
I absolutely love this quote. It's so true. If you are ever having a hard day, think about what you have been blessed with. Things will turn around sooner that you think. =)

1 month..

It's been exactly 1 month since I lost my sweet baby boy. I'm still heartbroken. I read in a book that it helps if you picture Jesus holding your baby. I definitely find comfort in knowing that Madden is with his brother and Heavenly Father. I know they are taking good care of him until I can see him again. I read this poem and it just made me ball like a baby. I'm still a mother, and Nick is still a daddy = )

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes

And prayed to God today

I asked, "What makes a Mother?"

And I know I heard him say

A Mother has a baby

This we know is true

But, God, can you be a mother

When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied

With confidence in his voice

I give many women babies

When they leave it is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime

And others for the day

And some I send to feel your womb

But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God

I want my baby here

He took a breath

and cleared his throat

And then I saw a tear

I wish I could show you

What your child is doing Here

If you could see your child smile

With other children and say

"We go to earth to learn our lessons

of love and life and fear,

but My mommy loved me so much

I got to come straight here!"

I feel so lucky to have a Mom who

had so much love for me

I learned my lessons very quickly

My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much

But I visit her each day

When she goes to sleep

On her pillow is where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear

"Mommy, Please don't be sad today

I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one

Your children are okay

Your babies are here in My home

And this is where they'll stay

They'll wait for you with Me

Until your lessons there are through

And on the day that you come home

they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see

What makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart

It's the love you had so much of

Right from the very start

Bear Lake Weekend

On Friday we headed to Nick's family's cabin in Bear Lake for a family reunion/raspberry days. We had debated about still doing it with everything that has happened in the last month but decided to still go ahead with it. I didn't realize it until Wednesday, but we would be in bear lake exactly 1 month from when we found out about our baby boy. I thought it would still be OK. But why the heck would I do this to myself?

I just decided I wouldn't think about it.

As we drove past Bear Lake Memorial hospital memories started pouring into that head of mine. It was sad, but I redirected my thoughts immediately. We stayed pretty busy, the only time I had a chance to think about the situation was at night, which was a little tough but we got through it.

We rented jet ski's and had a ball playing in the water all day. The only downfall was a few sunburns and sand everywhere! We had a fun little island all to ourselves and lots of soft sand for the kiddos to play in.

After the lake we had fun riding dirt bikes, 4-wheelers, go-carts, getting raspberry (in my case oreo mint) shakes, and just hanging out chatting.  Here are some pictures from our adventures!

                                             All the cute cousins in the hammock together

                                                                     4-wheeling!

                                                                My cute husband =)

                                                             View from the Cabin