Madden's 1 year Angelversary

1 whole year has passed since this sweet angel passed on to live with his Heavenly Father.

It seems like only yesterday that we went through this traumatic experience being left with emptiness. This past year has had its share of ups and downs. It never gets any easier and not a day passes that I don't think of this sweetheart. But it has gotten better.  When I look at pictures or talk about Madden, it's not as hard. I can talk about it. At times I will still tear up, and I have those days where I just need to completely cry my heart out, but I feel those days are necessary. This little guy has left a huge impact on everyone around him. When our family/friends asked as this day approached, as to what we were planning on doing to remember this event, I couldn't help but let out a few tears every time. I didn't WANT to remember this day. I felt like if we had a bbq or a party that we would be celebrating this day. This is not a day I wanted to celebrate nor remember. I just kept telling everyone we would go with the flow. I couldn't think about it or I would completely break down in tears. Well July 4th came, and I won't lie, it was hard.

On July 4th, most people celebrate Independence Day. As we did partake in the festivities, we took time out to remember this angel. After Madden passed, we decided that we would wait to get a headstone until his 1 year birthday. So about 7 weeks prior we made arrangements with the headstone company to have it completed by/before July 4th.  Picking out a headstone for our son was difficult. No one should ever have to go through that. They have a book of all these precious little pictures and layouts etc. I couldn't look through it. We already knew what we wanted on it, and what we wanted to say. I think it turned out so amazing. After a year of no headstone and just a sign that says "Kristopher Kelly", it feels so good to finally have a headstone for our little guy that I can decorate and put up flowers, toys, etc as I see fit.

Before ( on Memorial Day)

                         

After.

Front

Back

Our sweet family

                                         

                

We let some balloons go in hope that he might feel our love from Earth.

 Love you baby Madden.

Wedding time!

I'm a little late posting this.... ok a few MONTHS late posting this, but my brother got married in April! Here are a few lovely pictures from the wedding/receptions that were snapped. The reception turned out beautifully and so much hard work was put into it. I'm so happy for my brother Adam, Daniella, and their now 3 kids! Such a beautiful family.

                

                                                  

                     

This is me after making Many batches of frosting for cupcakes.

Pre wedding pamper at Muse Salon for the girls! So fun!

                                         

       
                                                                   

Venting

Lately I've had some time on my hands, which probably isn't such a good thing.

I start to think about Madden, and why things happened the way they did.

I know it's wrong and I know I'll never know "why".

But then I finally have come up with something and I feel like I know what happened/

It makes me angry. Like it could have been prevented.

I failed to mention parts during my post back in July.

The day before I lost my precious child, I went to the Dr. (who shall not be named, because I really did like him as a person, I just feel like he overlooked something major)
Anyways. I went to the Dr. and immediately went into the restroom and took a pee sample like I normally do. Then they took my blood pressure and my weight (just like always). Throughout my whole pregnancy my blood pressure had always been super low.  Like 110/74 and below. Well This particular day when the nurse took it she got a reading of 158/98. WHAT? That's weird. She asked me if I was nervous for the appointment. I said no, because it was just a routine visit. So we went into the room he quickly checked Madden's heartbeat (which he always does so fast I even wonder if it was very reliable). ( OK jen stop with the negativity =) ) Anyways. Madden's heartbeat was his normal 140's ish. I told my doctor that I was thinking about going to Bear Lake for the 4th of July. He said Oh no big deal your not really progressing so go ahead and go! (I don't even think he looked at my BP). The nurse took my BP again before I left and it went down a little, but not much. So we were sent on our way to have a fun next couple days in Bear Lake. Not a "Take it easy" or "Go home and rest" or anything. I went home and cleaned and went on my usual walk with Gabby and whatever else I felt the need to do to get ready to leave.  Later that day I got a phone call that they had found protein in my urine ( first time throughout my WHOLE pregnancy) and they were going to call me in some antibiotics. Now me being a first time mom and not realizing this is one of the MAJOR signs of preclampsia!! ( other than the fact that I was swelling like always but I just attributed that to it being hot and summer time) So like I said I didn't think anything of it and the next day packed, went grocery shopping, and finished cleaning. Definitely didn't take it easy.

And later that day I lost my son. :(

I also failed to mention (they didn't tell me either my MOM had to tell me grr) that when Madden came out he had meconium on him.  Which indicates he was under stress. DING DING DING! Am I the only one smart enough to put 2 and 2 together? Now I know I didn't have screaming symptoms of pre clampsia, but heck, I was like 1 week away from my due date, could they not have put 2 and 2 together or at LEAST look at my chart to see my BP from that day and say O hey, maybe we should look at this closer? No. not even a take it easy. 

I know I am ranting and raving and this could possibly be just a thought in my head and is completely absurd. To make the story short... I don't feel like the doctor paid enough attention to detail. (after speaking to multiple other women who have had the same doctor and switched, they said this was also their concern with this said doctor). Like I said before. GREAT person. Great personality, but it was just all easy going with him no big deal.

phew.

Now that this is said. When I think about this I get angry. Angry with the doctor and myself. I am angry that I was not paid attention to. I am angry that I was so naive enough to not even consider this as a red flag. I at times blame myself that it is my fault, and I should have stayed home and just relaxed and not got my blood pressure up. If I would have had any chance of possibly preventing this from happening, I would have done it. Maybe my precious little boy would be here in my arms.  I am angry they won't own up to their mistakes and take responsibility. Even my new doctor said that any notes about the delivery was very scarce. He had to ask ME what happened. They could've even have said, well this could have been what it was, but we don't know for sure. Instead they leave me wondering and keep everything hush hush.

If this ever happens again, you bet your butt I am going to say. This is NOT normal. I will make them do something about it.

Ps. I am just venting and not diagnosing what actually happened. These are my thoughts and reasons as to what happened to him. I know there was a plan for him made by Heavenly Father. I don't doubt that at all. It would just have been nice to know in order to prevent future worries/situations.

=)

Holy Moly

Holy Moly!!

It's been a few months since I've posted. A lot has been happening! ( Sorry for the picture overload). Christmas came and went. Despite how hard it was to spend our holiday without our lil guy, our family really made it special for us. We were blessed with some amazing gifts. Nick got me a silhouette (love love love it!) and I got Nick a remote start for his truck. I got a kitchen aid mixer, and Nick also got a lovely bracelet from his family that says "Madden's daddy".  Before Christmas I was lucky enough to get to go to Salt Lake City for the weekend courtesy of one of my employers Dr. Sutton! We decided to head down and go to the Hogle Zoo to see the Christmas Lights. It was that weekend that SLC got DUMPED on with snow so the snow and the lights were so pretty together and just gave it a Christmas Spirit. We had a ton of fun. 

Madden's grave for Christmas. Yes those are solar lights! They looked so good at night.

After Christmas we packed up and went to the Oregon Coast for a week like usual! It was so fun and

much needed.

Then we came back for 1 day to pack and head on our CRUISE!! For Nick's work about every 10 years they do a dealer meeting at a super fun place like a cruise. This year, Nick's parents couldn't take that much time off so we got to go! We went to the Eastern Caribbean which included Puerto Rico, Virgin Islands, Turks and Caicos, and the Bahamas. 

 

I was having a bit of a hard time over Christmas Break, so I finally broke down and decided it was time to clean out Madden's nursery. I felt like I was just dwelling on the situation and this room was just a constant reminder of what had happened. So we waited until we got back from the cruise and packed it up. I can't even begin to describe the weight that feels like has been lifted off of my shoulders. There is no nagging feeling there anymore. I feel ready to more forward and have a clean slate. I didn't get a before picture (darnit) We decided to leave everything else up because well, lets face it, it's too much work to move all that stuff and well lets just hope there's another baby to fill that room soon enough.

 

And finally, I'm getting a new sister in law/niece/and nephews! My brother FINALLY popped the question to his girlfriend Daniella! We are so excited for them!

Happy Valentines Day!

 

We also started tackling redoing our bathroom. We just completed the tub shower and tile surround, and the sheet rock, and in the next little while will come a new vanity, floor and mirror! I can't wait to show after pictures!

  

Ok I promise I'm done here...for now =) I'll try not to procrastinate so much next time! And good for you if you actually made it though this post!