I start to think about Madden, and why things happened the way they did.
I know it's wrong and I know I'll never know "why".
But then I finally have come up with something and I feel like I know what happened/
It makes me angry. Like it could have been prevented.
I failed to mention parts during my post back in July.
The day before I lost my precious child, I went to the Dr. (who shall not be named, because I really did like him as a person, I just feel like he overlooked something major)
Anyways. I went to the Dr. and immediately went into the restroom and took a pee sample like I normally do. Then they took my blood pressure and my weight (just like always). Throughout my whole pregnancy my blood pressure had always been super low. Like 110/74 and below. Well This particular day when the nurse took it she got a reading of 158/98. WHAT? That's weird. She asked me if I was nervous for the appointment. I said no, because it was just a routine visit. So we went into the room he quickly checked Madden's heartbeat (which he always does so fast I even wonder if it was very reliable). ( OK jen stop with the negativity =) ) Anyways. Madden's heartbeat was his normal 140's ish. I told my doctor that I was thinking about going to Bear Lake for the 4th of July. He said Oh no big deal your not really progressing so go ahead and go! (I don't even think he looked at my BP). The nurse took my BP again before I left and it went down a little, but not much. So we were sent on our way to have a fun next couple days in Bear Lake. Not a "Take it easy" or "Go home and rest" or anything. I went home and cleaned and went on my usual walk with Gabby and whatever else I felt the need to do to get ready to leave. Later that day I got a phone call that they had found protein in my urine ( first time throughout my WHOLE pregnancy) and they were going to call me in some antibiotics. Now me being a first time mom and not realizing this is one of the MAJOR signs of preclampsia!! ( other than the fact that I was swelling like always but I just attributed that to it being hot and summer time) So like I said I didn't think anything of it and the next day packed, went grocery shopping, and finished cleaning. Definitely didn't take it easy.
And later that day I lost my son. :(
I also failed to mention (they didn't tell me either my MOM had to tell me grr) that when Madden came out he had meconium on him. Which indicates he was under stress. DING DING DING! Am I the only one smart enough to put 2 and 2 together? Now I know I didn't have screaming symptoms of pre clampsia, but heck, I was like 1 week away from my due date, could they not have put 2 and 2 together or at LEAST look at my chart to see my BP from that day and say O hey, maybe we should look at this closer? No. not even a take it easy.
I know I am ranting and raving and this could possibly be just a thought in my head and is completely absurd. To make the story short... I don't feel like the doctor paid enough attention to detail. (after speaking to multiple other women who have had the same doctor and switched, they said this was also their concern with this said doctor). Like I said before. GREAT person. Great personality, but it was just all easy going with him no big deal.
phew.
Now that this is said. When I think about this I get angry. Angry with the doctor and myself. I am angry that I was not paid attention to. I am angry that I was so naive enough to not even consider this as a red flag. I at times blame myself that it is my fault, and I should have stayed home and just relaxed and not got my blood pressure up. If I would have had any chance of possibly preventing this from happening, I would have done it. Maybe my precious little boy would be here in my arms. I am angry they won't own up to their mistakes and take responsibility. Even my new doctor said that any notes about the delivery was very scarce. He had to ask ME what happened. They could've even have said, well this could have been what it was, but we don't know for sure. Instead they leave me wondering and keep everything hush hush.
If this ever happens again, you bet your butt I am going to say. This is NOT normal. I will make them do something about it.
Ps. I am just venting and not diagnosing what actually happened. These are my thoughts and reasons as to what happened to him. I know there was a plan for him made by Heavenly Father. I don't doubt that at all. It would just have been nice to know in order to prevent future worries/situations.
=)
