7/13/13 My Due Date.

We got the pictures back from the photographer at the hospital. She did such an amazing job. I have to share a few of them. 

Ok so I added more than I thought just because I love all of them.

We have overwhelmed with gratitude for everyone's kinda words and support. My house looks like a floral shop with lots of flowers and plants. I absolutely love it and it's so comforting. I've had beautiful poems written for me, freezer meals, treats, company etc. the list goes on and on. I am so thankful for such amazing family and friends we have. It's hard for me to accept help. I guess I feel like I don't need it, and I'm really not that bad off. The other day (multiple) someone's had to tell me to accept service. It gives others blessings. I am of course stubborn and so if I come off ungrateful I promise I'm not.. just stubborn =)

I don't want to annoy people with blasting my feelings all over facebook, so I'll do it on here, since reading my blog is optional =).

The funeral surprisingly was not as bad as I thought it would be. I felt comfort and relief immediately after.  It was difficult watching the teeny tiny casket lay there. We had a lot of support from our family and friends.I don't have any pictures on my camera, but once I get some I may post some. Or I may not.. we'll see =)

Since last week I've had a roller coster of emotions.
It has been HARD.
I often catch myself staring into space while time continues around me.
I find comfort in sitting in the rocker in Madden's room looking at ultrasound pictures.
I cry..it seems to make me feel better.
I have no appetite.  (not even for ice cream which is my weakness)

Nick has tried to keep me busy, and I must admit it helps.
But I almost feel guilty not thinking about him or grieving like I should.
I know it should not be a "grieving" process.
I feel I am being selfish. I know the plan of salvation and I know I should be happy for my little man. But I feel selfish because I WANT him here, to hold, to cuddle, to take care of. I want him here NOW. I don't want to wait to see him again.

Today is especially hard.
Today is my official due date, and if everything would have went as it should have, I would have a beautiful, alive and breathing, baby boy in my arms as we speak.

Instead,
I hurt everywhere.
and my arms are empty.

My wonderful friends are taking me out to lunch and a movie. They always know how to make me feel better.

I don't want to feel like I am forgetting him, but the pregnancy, the terrible news, and the delivery seems like such a blur to me now.

I promise I am not depressed haha.  I just have to get my feelings out and I don't want anyone to think I am depressed. I'm OK. I'm happy to know my little man is with his Heavenly Father. Madden is busy listening to jokes from my grandfather. He's too busy causing hate and discontent up there ( Nick says that's why we have been having so much rain and thunder) haha. Nick keeps me sane. With time, things will get better, in the mean time I will try to keep the depressing posts to a minimum =).
Again, thanks for all of your love and support.

Kristopher "Madden" Kelly

I never thought I would have to write a post like this, but due to the circumstances I feel I should explain our situation.

It’s devastating for me to announce that Kristopher “Madden” Kelly went to go live with his Heavenly Father on July 3, 2013. On July 4^th, 2013 I was induced to bring his mortal body into the world.

This was my worst nightmare from the very beginning. There were so many scares along the way but in the end he was growing healthy and strong with absolutely nothing wrong with him.  Here is our story.

On July 2^nd I had my weekly (38 weeks)  Doctor’s appointment. The heartbeat was strong at 145 bpm, and my cervix was still just beginning to soften. He said I would probably make it to my next appointment next week, so he would see me then. Well I had wanted to go to Bear Lake one more time before Madden came, and since the Dr. thought it would still be a while before labor, we decided to go for the 4^th.  The last time I remember feeling Madden move was around 11 am when I sitting down eating and watching tv. Throughout the day I was cleaning, grocery shopping and getting ready to go to the cabin. Then around 4 pm we left to go to Bear Lake. We arrived, took Gabby to the Lake, then after the rest of Nick’s family arrived we sat on the deck and just talked until it was time to go to bed. In the meantime, I was growing concerned because I had not felt Madden move in a while. He had been growing increasingly active the last few weeks. I had 3 huge 32 ounce cups of ice cold water, a pepsi, and laid down. Nothing. Not a movement. I immediately called Portneuf and they said that if I didn’t feel anything in the next 20 min to go and have me hook up to the monitor at the hospital.  Something told me “don’t wait. Go now.”

 Nick and I rushed to the nearest hospital in Montpelier. Of course it’s the smallest hospital I’ve ever seen. I called them ahead of timed and explained my situation. The ER nurse (the only nurse in the hospital at the time) made it sound like it was a waste of time. I didn’t care; I told her we were coming. So we arrived and she pulled out her ancient equipment to try and hear the baby’s heartbeat. She acted like she had no idea what she was doing and even asked us where to put it to hear the heartbeat. I was getting nervous when she put it on my stomach there was no hints of any kinds of sounds.  She explained that a OBGYN was coming in because there was a little boy in the next room who was sick, and he was on call. Well the Dr. showed up like 20 minutes later and went to see the little boy first. (Which killed me because I was dying inside not knowing whether the child inside of me was still alive) Finally, he got into the room and pulled out yet another ancient ultrasound machine that had to warm up. Finally he got it working, placed in on my belly, and looked around. After having multiple ultrasounds, I have become very familiar with what I was looking at. I knew when the heart pulled up and what I saw killed me.

There was no movement.

Immediately I burst out in uncontrollable crying. He kept saying well wait.. let me look around. Finally he said, I’m so sorry, I don’t see a heart beat.

I had no idea what to think, so say, I just couldn’t stop crying .

I started vomiting and couldn’t stop.

Nick kept telling me It would be OK, it would be OK

Nick went to call his dad and told him to come to the hospital.

It felt like it was a nightmare that if I just waited I would be awakened…..I never woke from it. It was real. My child, my son, who I had been carrying for almost 10 months, was now lifeless inside of me.

The OB called my OBGYN to inform him. He was on call at Portneuf at the time. (Soon getting off). He said we could wait until the morning or come up now because I would have to be induced and give birth to him. Of course I was not going to wait until the morning. There was no way I was getting any sleep. At about 2 am we headed from Montpelier back to Pocatello up to the hospital. The resident pulled out the ultrasound machine and again tried to search for a heartbeat.

Nothing.

He had an ultrasound tech come in and again try to find a heartbeat..

Nothing.

Deep down I knew they were not going to find a heartbeat but I had a glimpse of hope that something would miraculously happen and a heartbeat would appear.

At 4 am they admitted me and started me on a cervix thinning medication. They told me it could be 48 hours before I actually delivered.  Every 3 hours they gave me another dose because I wasn’t getting anywhere. By the third dose I was starting to cramp, but nothing major.  Finally the Dr. on call told them to give me 2 doses at the same time. I almost immediately started having painful cramping. (this medication causes you to have contractions with no breaks in between).  It still wasn’t unbearable enough yet to get an epidural so they gave me narcotics in the IV to help. It felt 100 times better and pretty much just put me out. I was so tired at this point in not having any sleep in almost 24 hours.  It finally allowed me to sleep for a while. When I awoke 2 hours later the nurse that the anesthesiologist was on the floor and if I wanted an epidural we should do it now. The resident checked me and I was at a 4.  I still felt like I didn’t need one, but she insisted because he was getting ready to leave and it could be awhile before he would get back, and if I got one now I could get my water broke soon and they could start Pitocin. So I agreed. At about 10 am the anesthesiologist came in and gave me an epidural. It’s a good thing he did because as soon as he walked through the door I started having painful contractions 2 minutes apart. Thank goodness I had gone to the birthing classes and knew how to breathe through them. Nick was such a good support during them because he coached me the entire time. The nurse was really impressed.  It took a good 30 min for the epidural to really set in. But as soon as it did, I felt so much better.  I was able to rest for about an hour or so. The Dr. came in to break my water but before he did he checked me.  I told him I was having a lot of pressure down there. He asked me if my water had already broke. I didn’t feel wet or anything so I told him no. He said it must have broken already because I was at a 10 and ready to push. 

It all happened so fast.

I kept saying to myself I can’t do this.

I’m not ready for this.

I was ready to push, that I was not scared of.

I was scared to see my child, who I know would not cry as soon as he was out. I was scared what he would look like and how I would react.

I didn’t have much time to think. I was so tired and even asked if it was normal for me to want to fall asleep during labor. She said it actually was normal.

I could feel the contractions coming on and she had me push when I started feeling one. It took me 3 pushes to get his head to crown. Then I pushed through another contraction and the nurse yelled for the doctor to hurry because if I pushed again he might come out. Another contraction came and his head was out. One more big push and he was all the way out.

I looked down.

He was beautiful.

Tons of hair.

but silent.

It was such a happy but sad moment.  They cleaned him up a bit and put him in my arms. He was perfect.  Cute little face and chubby little cheeks. He had the cutest little cleft in his chin ( he gets that from my dad) Me and Nick just couldn’t help but smile. He was so handsome. He was ours. The room was suddenly surrounded by the spirit. I was comforted.  I was all going to be OK.

My mom went with the nurse to help clean him up, and Nick stayed with me while I got stitched up.

We just couldn’t stop talking about how perfect he was. Tears filled our eyes but they were happy tears.

My mom came back to get nick to see if he wanted to dress him. His face lit up and he left to go take care of our little man.

They brought him back to the room with the outfit that we had originally planned to bring him home in. It was a cute little giraffe onsie with a little sweater and pants with little giraffe feet. They laid him in my arms and I couldn’t help but smile and cry at the same time. His complexion was perfect. The only sign of his passing was that his skin was starting to peel away at his eyelids, which at first I have to admit looked scary to me. We got to spend about an hour or so alone with him and then our family came in and they each got to hold him. 

It was so hard for me to hold him. I feel so bad but I can’t explain why. Nick was such a good daddy and couldn’t stop giving him kisses. He held it together and just cuddled his son.  We got to spend a good 4 hours with him and then the photographer came in from the hospital and took some pictures of Madden. He looked so cute. He’s my handsome little man.

I was so tired so by the time the nurse took him away I just wanted to fall into a coma. Which I did.

I woke up the next morning with a new outlook. I was sad, devastated, and heartbroken. But this little guy was perfect with no signs of fault. I realized he was too perfect for this world. He didn’t need to come to this world to be tested; he was already obedient and righteous enough to go back to our Heavenly Father. He was special.  

It was all really hard to deal with at first, I never thought I would have to plan a funeral for my child so young, but surprisingly Nick and I are dealing with it very well. I never expected it to become public so soon before we had a chance to comprehend it ourselves. But I guess there isn’t really a way to keep it quiet. I saw this morning that the funeral home had put something in the paper about the passing.  We have had a lot of support from our family and friends; I don’t know what we would do without them.

I don’t know what I would have done without my husband Nick. He was so supportive, strong, caring, and most gentle man I’ve ever seen.  You can tell through his eyes that his son means the world to him and he loves him no matter that. It breaks my heart that our son can’t live here on earth with us, but we know that we’ll see him again. Nick has waited on me hand and foot and takes the best care of me. This experience has brought closer than I ever could have imagined.  I’m glad I get to keep him forever =) We will make more pretty little babies =)

Madden is with Heavenly Father now. We will get to be with him again someday and be able to know him and raise him.  I am so grateful for the knowledge of eternal families and the gospel which has really helped us to get through this trial.  We will never know why this happened.  It has brought us closer to our Father. We won’t know what the purpose of this was, but all I know is that it is HIS plan and it will be Ok in the end. Madden is our son, our perfect child, who served his purpose in life, and returned to our Father in Heaven.  We love him more than words can describe. He will always be our little “Mad Man”