7/13/13 My Due Date.

We got the pictures back from the photographer at the hospital. She did such an amazing job. I have to share a few of them. 

Ok so I added more than I thought just because I love all of them.

We have overwhelmed with gratitude for everyone's kinda words and support. My house looks like a floral shop with lots of flowers and plants. I absolutely love it and it's so comforting. I've had beautiful poems written for me, freezer meals, treats, company etc. the list goes on and on. I am so thankful for such amazing family and friends we have. It's hard for me to accept help. I guess I feel like I don't need it, and I'm really not that bad off. The other day (multiple) someone's had to tell me to accept service. It gives others blessings. I am of course stubborn and so if I come off ungrateful I promise I'm not.. just stubborn =)

I don't want to annoy people with blasting my feelings all over facebook, so I'll do it on here, since reading my blog is optional =).

The funeral surprisingly was not as bad as I thought it would be. I felt comfort and relief immediately after.  It was difficult watching the teeny tiny casket lay there. We had a lot of support from our family and friends.I don't have any pictures on my camera, but once I get some I may post some. Or I may not.. we'll see =)

Since last week I've had a roller coster of emotions.
It has been HARD.
I often catch myself staring into space while time continues around me.
I find comfort in sitting in the rocker in Madden's room looking at ultrasound pictures.
I cry..it seems to make me feel better.
I have no appetite.  (not even for ice cream which is my weakness)

Nick has tried to keep me busy, and I must admit it helps.
But I almost feel guilty not thinking about him or grieving like I should.
I know it should not be a "grieving" process.
I feel I am being selfish. I know the plan of salvation and I know I should be happy for my little man. But I feel selfish because I WANT him here, to hold, to cuddle, to take care of. I want him here NOW. I don't want to wait to see him again.

Today is especially hard.
Today is my official due date, and if everything would have went as it should have, I would have a beautiful, alive and breathing, baby boy in my arms as we speak.

Instead,
I hurt everywhere.
and my arms are empty.

My wonderful friends are taking me out to lunch and a movie. They always know how to make me feel better.

I don't want to feel like I am forgetting him, but the pregnancy, the terrible news, and the delivery seems like such a blur to me now.

I promise I am not depressed haha.  I just have to get my feelings out and I don't want anyone to think I am depressed. I'm OK. I'm happy to know my little man is with his Heavenly Father. Madden is busy listening to jokes from my grandfather. He's too busy causing hate and discontent up there ( Nick says that's why we have been having so much rain and thunder) haha. Nick keeps me sane. With time, things will get better, in the mean time I will try to keep the depressing posts to a minimum =).
Again, thanks for all of your love and support.