1 month..

It's been exactly 1 month since I lost my sweet baby boy. I'm still heartbroken. I read in a book that it helps if you picture Jesus holding your baby. I definitely find comfort in knowing that Madden is with his brother and Heavenly Father. I know they are taking good care of him until I can see him again. I read this poem and it just made me ball like a baby. I'm still a mother, and Nick is still a daddy = )

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes

And prayed to God today

I asked, "What makes a Mother?"

And I know I heard him say

A Mother has a baby

This we know is true

But, God, can you be a mother

When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied

With confidence in his voice

I give many women babies

When they leave it is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime

And others for the day

And some I send to feel your womb

But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God

I want my baby here

He took a breath

and cleared his throat

And then I saw a tear

I wish I could show you

What your child is doing Here

If you could see your child smile

With other children and say

"We go to earth to learn our lessons

of love and life and fear,

but My mommy loved me so much

I got to come straight here!"

I feel so lucky to have a Mom who

had so much love for me

I learned my lessons very quickly

My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much

But I visit her each day

When she goes to sleep

On her pillow is where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear

"Mommy, Please don't be sad today

I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one

Your children are okay

Your babies are here in My home

And this is where they'll stay

They'll wait for you with Me

Until your lessons there are through

And on the day that you come home

they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see

What makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart

It's the love you had so much of

Right from the very start

Bear Lake Weekend

On Friday we headed to Nick's family's cabin in Bear Lake for a family reunion/raspberry days. We had debated about still doing it with everything that has happened in the last month but decided to still go ahead with it. I didn't realize it until Wednesday, but we would be in bear lake exactly 1 month from when we found out about our baby boy. I thought it would still be OK. But why the heck would I do this to myself?

I just decided I wouldn't think about it.

As we drove past Bear Lake Memorial hospital memories started pouring into that head of mine. It was sad, but I redirected my thoughts immediately. We stayed pretty busy, the only time I had a chance to think about the situation was at night, which was a little tough but we got through it.

We rented jet ski's and had a ball playing in the water all day. The only downfall was a few sunburns and sand everywhere! We had a fun little island all to ourselves and lots of soft sand for the kiddos to play in.

After the lake we had fun riding dirt bikes, 4-wheelers, go-carts, getting raspberry (in my case oreo mint) shakes, and just hanging out chatting.  Here are some pictures from our adventures!

                                             All the cute cousins in the hammock together

                                                                     4-wheeling!

                                                                My cute husband =)

                                                             View from the Cabin