I never thought I would have to write a post like this, but
due to the circumstances I feel I should explain our situation.
It’s devastating for me to announce that Kristopher “Madden”
Kelly went to go live with his Heavenly Father on July 3, 2013. On July 4th,
2013 I was induced to bring his mortal body into the world.
This was my worst nightmare from the very beginning. There
were so many scares along the way but in the end he was growing healthy and
strong with absolutely nothing wrong with him.
Here is our story.
On July 2nd I had my weekly (38 weeks) Doctor’s appointment. The heartbeat was strong
at 145 bpm, and my cervix was still just beginning to soften. He said I would
probably make it to my next appointment next week, so he would see me then.
Well I had wanted to go to Bear Lake one more time before Madden came, and
since the Dr. thought it would still be a while before labor, we decided to go
for the 4th. The last time I
remember feeling Madden move was around 11 am when I sitting down eating and
watching tv. Throughout the day I was cleaning, grocery shopping and getting ready
to go to the cabin. Then around 4 pm we left to go to Bear Lake. We arrived,
took Gabby to the Lake, then after the rest of Nick’s family arrived we sat on
the deck and just talked until it was time to go to bed. In the meantime, I was
growing concerned because I had not felt Madden move in a while. He had been
growing increasingly active the last few weeks. I had 3 huge 32 ounce cups of
ice cold water, a pepsi, and laid down. Nothing. Not a movement. I immediately called
Portneuf and they said that if I didn’t feel anything in the next 20 min to go
and have me hook up to the monitor at the hospital. Something told me “don’t wait. Go now.”
Nick and I rushed to
the nearest hospital in Montpelier. Of course it’s the smallest hospital I’ve
ever seen. I called them ahead of timed and explained my situation. The ER
nurse (the only nurse in the hospital at the time) made it sound like it was a
waste of time. I didn’t care; I told her we were coming. So we arrived and she
pulled out her ancient equipment to try and hear the baby’s heartbeat. She
acted like she had no idea what she was doing and even asked us where to put it
to hear the heartbeat. I was getting nervous when she put it on my stomach
there was no hints of any kinds of sounds.
She explained that a OBGYN was coming in because there was a little boy
in the next room who was sick, and he was on call. Well the Dr. showed up like
20 minutes later and went to see the little boy first. (Which killed me because
I was dying inside not knowing whether the child inside of me was still alive)
Finally, he got into the room and pulled out yet another ancient ultrasound
machine that had to warm up. Finally he got it working, placed in on my belly,
and looked around. After having multiple ultrasounds, I have become very familiar
with what I was looking at. I knew when the heart pulled up and what I saw killed
me.
There was no movement.
Immediately I burst out in uncontrollable crying. He kept
saying well wait.. let me look around. Finally he said, I’m so sorry, I don’t
see a heart beat.
I had no idea what to think, so say, I just couldn’t stop
crying .
I started vomiting and couldn’t stop.
Nick kept telling me It would be OK, it would be OK
Nick went to call his dad and told him to come to the
hospital.
It felt like it was a nightmare that if I just waited I
would be awakened…..I never woke from it. It was real. My child, my son, who I
had been carrying for almost 10 months, was now lifeless inside of me.
The OB called my OBGYN to inform him. He was on call at
Portneuf at the time. (Soon getting off). He said we could wait until the
morning or come up now because I would have to be induced and give birth to
him. Of course I was not going to wait until the morning. There was no way I
was getting any sleep. At about 2 am we headed from Montpelier back to
Pocatello up to the hospital. The resident pulled out the ultrasound machine
and again tried to search for a heartbeat.
Nothing.
He had an ultrasound tech come in and again try to find a
heartbeat..
Nothing.
Deep down I knew they were not going to find a heartbeat but
I had a glimpse of hope that something would miraculously happen and a
heartbeat would appear.
At 4 am they admitted me and started me on a cervix thinning
medication. They told me it could be 48 hours before I actually delivered. Every 3 hours they gave me another dose
because I wasn’t getting anywhere. By the third dose I was starting to cramp,
but nothing major. Finally the Dr. on
call told them to give me 2 doses at the same time. I almost immediately started
having painful cramping. (this medication causes you to have contractions with
no breaks in between). It still wasn’t
unbearable enough yet to get an epidural so they gave me narcotics in the IV to
help. It felt 100 times better and pretty much just put me out. I was so tired
at this point in not having any sleep in almost 24 hours. It finally allowed me to sleep for a while.
When I awoke 2 hours later the nurse that the anesthesiologist was on the floor
and if I wanted an epidural we should do it now. The resident checked me and I
was at a 4. I still felt like I didn’t
need one, but she insisted because he was getting ready to leave and it could
be awhile before he would get back, and if I got one now I could get my water
broke soon and they could start Pitocin. So I agreed. At about 10 am the anesthesiologist
came in and gave me an epidural. It’s a good thing he did because as soon as he
walked through the door I started having painful contractions 2 minutes apart.
Thank goodness I had gone to the birthing classes and knew how to breathe
through them. Nick was such a good support during them because he coached me
the entire time. The nurse was really impressed. It took a good 30 min for the epidural to
really set in. But as soon as it did, I felt so much better. I was able to rest for about an hour or so.
The Dr. came in to break my water but before he did he checked me. I told him I was having a lot of pressure down
there. He asked me if my water had already broke. I didn’t feel wet or anything
so I told him no. He said it must have broken already because I was at a 10 and
ready to push.
It all happened so fast.
I kept saying to myself I can’t do this.
I’m not ready for this.
I was ready to push, that I was not scared of.
I was scared to see my child, who I know would not cry as
soon as he was out. I was scared what he would look like and how I would react.
I didn’t have much time to think. I was so tired and even
asked if it was normal for me to want to fall asleep during labor. She said it
actually was normal.
I could feel the contractions coming on and she had me push
when I started feeling one. It took me 3 pushes to get his head to crown. Then
I pushed through another contraction and the nurse yelled for the doctor to
hurry because if I pushed again he might come out. Another contraction came and
his head was out. One more big push and he was all the way out.
I looked down.
He was beautiful.
Tons of hair.
but silent.
It was such a happy but sad moment. They cleaned him up a bit and put him in my
arms. He was perfect. Cute little face
and chubby little cheeks. He had the cutest little cleft in his chin ( he gets
that from my dad) Me and Nick just couldn’t help but smile. He was so handsome.
He was ours. The room was suddenly surrounded by the spirit. I was
comforted. I was all going to be OK.
My mom went with the nurse to help clean him up, and Nick
stayed with me while I got stitched up.
We just couldn’t stop talking about how perfect he was.
Tears filled our eyes but they were happy tears.
My mom came back to get nick to see if he wanted to dress
him. His face lit up and he left to go take care of our little man.
They brought him back to the room with the outfit that we
had originally planned to bring him home in. It was a cute little giraffe onsie
with a little sweater and pants with little giraffe feet. They laid him in my
arms and I couldn’t help but smile and cry at the same time. His complexion was
perfect. The only sign of his passing was that his skin was starting to peel
away at his eyelids, which at first I have to admit looked scary to me. We got
to spend about an hour or so alone with him and then our family came in and
they each got to hold him.
It was so hard for me to hold him. I feel so bad but I can’t
explain why. Nick was such a good daddy and couldn’t stop giving him kisses. He
held it together and just cuddled his son.
We got to spend a good 4 hours with him and then the photographer came
in from the hospital and took some pictures of Madden. He looked so cute. He’s
my handsome little man.
I was so tired so by the time the nurse took him away I just
wanted to fall into a coma. Which I did.
I woke up the next morning with a new outlook. I was sad, devastated,
and heartbroken. But this little guy was perfect with no signs of fault. I
realized he was too perfect for this world. He didn’t need to come to this
world to be tested; he was already obedient and righteous enough to go back to
our Heavenly Father. He was special.
It was all really hard to deal with at first, I never
thought I would have to plan a funeral for my child so young, but surprisingly Nick
and I are dealing with it very well. I never expected it to become public so
soon before we had a chance to comprehend it ourselves. But I guess there isn’t
really a way to keep it quiet. I saw this morning that the funeral home had put
something in the paper about the passing. We have had a lot of support from our family
and friends; I don’t know what we would do without them.
I don’t know what I would have done without my husband Nick.
He was so supportive, strong, caring, and most gentle man I’ve ever seen. You can tell through his eyes that his son
means the world to him and he loves him no matter that. It breaks my heart that
our son can’t live here on earth with us, but we know that we’ll see him again.
Nick has waited on me hand and foot and takes the best care of me. This
experience has brought closer than I ever could have imagined. I’m glad I get to keep him forever =) We will
make more pretty little babies =)
Madden is with Heavenly Father now. We will get to be with
him again someday and be able to know him and raise him. I am so grateful for the knowledge of eternal
families and the gospel which has really helped us to get through this trial. We will never know why this happened. It has brought us closer to our Father. We won’t
know what the purpose of this was, but all I know is that it is HIS plan and it
will be Ok in the end. Madden is our son, our perfect child, who served his
purpose in life, and returned to our Father in Heaven. We love him more than words can describe. He
will always be our little “Mad Man”
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